You are not a failure. You are a blank canvas

Hello you beautiful Facebook lot! Let me tell you about a woman I met this week. We'll call her Helene, and she was on a real downward run — everything heading the wrong way.

When people come to me, it's usually with a story, a problem. They feel trapped, or they're carrying something they can't fix on their own. Helene was one of them.

For most of her life she'd had a strong picture of who she was, and who she ought to be. It was an image she'd cultivated, a story she told herself, and for a long time it worked well enough. But Helene had been chasing an illusion, and as life tends to do, it kicked back. Once or twice isn't so bad. Helene felt like she was getting kicked in the balls over and over.

Let's not judge her for that. We all have a self-image, a story we tell ourselves about who we are. How often does that carefully built version actually match reality? Hmm. The truth is we're all a mix of complicated personalities, constantly shifting and developing. Sometimes our inner picture needs an update. Sometimes it needs a reality check.

When we started talking, Helene felt lost. Completely broken down. A failure. She cried. She'd reached the point where the person she thought she was simply didn't exist any more. And she was right — that person didn't exist.

When she looked in the mirror she felt shame and embarrassment, and in her own words: "I hated the failure staring back at me." The weight of failed relationships, career setbacks, unmet expectations and the general grind of life had eaten away at her confidence. She felt like an absolute nobody. Below average. Worthless.

Oof. I really felt for Helene. But more than that, I wanted to grab hold of her, give her a hug and tell her this is good news!

Because as much as it felt like an enormous failure to her, it wasn't. It was liberation. She had shed a skin that no longer fitted, seen through the fog of her own ego, and allowed herself to look at the clear, unvarnished truth of who she was.

The person she thought she was — that carefully constructed image — was gone. And what was left? A beautiful blank canvas. A person in a position to decide for herself who she wanted to be, what she wanted to do, who she was going to become.

Wow. What a gift.

Here's the important bit, lovely Facebook people. We all carry these internal narratives, these stories about who we are. And the truth is they're rarely an accurate reflection of how the world actually sees us. So when that carefully constructed identity crumbles, it can feel devastating. Our whole world literally starts falling apart in front of us. It's horrible.

BUT.

What if, after the initial shock of realising "there is no spoon" — of realising we've been living a terrible lie — we saw it as an opportunity instead? One of the most liberating opportunities of our lives?

Helene's awakening wasn't about failure. It was about clarity, even though it hurt. It was a chance to step outside the frame of her own self-made story and ask the most important question of all: who do I want to be?

BOOM. Think about that. Who do I want to be?

Life up to this point isn't a failure. It's experience, and it hands us the tools to decide what comes next. To borrow a well-worn cliché: the block of marble isn't a failure for being just a stone, it's potential waiting to be realised.

Helene, like that block of marble, is full of potential. Maybe she doesn't quite know who she is yet, and that's fine. The path she takes through the forest — the journey of getting to know herself — is the most exciting adventure any of us can have. And it all starts with letting go of who we think we are.

It starts with realising that the image we hold of ourselves, how the world sees us, and who we actually are, are all constructions in our own minds and nothing more. Instead, we should be focusing on what picture we want to paint on that blank canvas, what shape we want to give the marble.

Don't get hung up on who you thought you were, or what you have or haven't done. See yourself as free to simply be. Free to become something new, someone different.

If you're still reading this, dear Facebook friends, and you're feeling a bit lost and disillusioned with life, remember this: not knowing who you are isn't a dead end. It's the starting gun. It's the beginning of the path through the forest. It's where you are right now, standing on fertile ground where the possibilities are literally blossoming under your feet.

Simon